Enter Andy Phillips
By now everyone has probably heard some lamenting Yankee fan talk about how great Andy Phillips is, and how he has heart, and how this is how those championship teams played. I'll spare you the sickening nostalgia for the days of Shane Spencer and Chad Curtis, but I will add that he has a beautiful swing, good plate presence, and could probably lose both of his arms in a car accident and still be better than the elderly junkies we have playing over there right now. No one seems to be mentioning that it is more likely a black family move to downtown Boston than the storied Yankees having a right handed first baseman. It's a left handed position, which is why I resisted my Sexson temptations over the winter (hey, what can I say, I have a thing for tall skinny athletes who appear useless) I also should mention that I called his homerun, which makes me 2 for 4 with called homeruns this year, which makes me a demi-god with spritual powers. Or Pete Baker.
Enter Randy Johnson
Most of you idiots don't know the true barometer of what makes a good pitcher. Actually, none of you idiots do, unless you happen to be an under-paid idiot who works at a baseball stadium (Me, Me!!!!) I am thoroughly unconcerned with the Units masterful performance yesterday. I do not care about the strikeouts, or the ERA. But here is one great stat: 91 pitches into the 8th inning. Here is another great stat: It was a day game. A true baseball player, or for that matter all employees having anything to do with baseball, know that day games are events purely made to make our once joyous lives a bit worse. Furthermore, a true Yankee fan knows they can't play during the day. Old teams never enjoy playing during the day, they don't like waking up, and having to do anything on any kind of schedule. That's why those weekend subway series charades have been so close, and its the primary reason the Cubs suck. Theres nothing more sickening than having some fan walk by our stand and talk about how the real American pastime is played during the day, without technology, and done with the crack of the bat under crystal blue American skies. I would love to force feed him some House-that-Ruth-Built year old hot dogs and watery beer just to shut him up. All of these AL bred guys can't pitch during the day for shit- Roger Clemens, Andy Pettite, and public enemy #1 Mike Mussina. They pussy foot around while Sheffield grows aggitated from the sweat pouring down his back. After a 15 minute half inning, Gary is so pissed he swings at three pitches just so he can go home to some AC. And the whole affair still manages to take 4 hours. Now these guys like Jon Lieber, Randy Johnson, and David Wells- they know the deal. "It was a strike? Ok, gimmie the ball. It was a homerun? Gimmie the ball. Lets get out of here, it's fucking Africa hot with this uniform on. And there are some guys making cotton candy in the main level who usually stop by the end of the 5th. And if I walk anyone else they're probably going to have a collective heart-attack." If I had my way, Jon Lieber would pitcher every day game for the rest of the year. Well, I should note I also would've signed Jon Lieber in the first place, and I wouldn't have opted for a 300 pound ex-Indian who has more shoulder surgeries than innings pitched. The guy throws strikes, and he gets me home earlier.
Bravo on yesterdays game, and let's invoke that all games end by 3pm.
-The Yankees will be swept by the California Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, California, of the United States of America this week. Get it, I'm making a joke on their long name! Ha!
-Andy Phillips curtain call. I'm surprised the crowd didn't instead opt to chant "Tino!"
-To the weathermen who predicted a sure-fire cancellation of Saturdays game due to torrential rain: Die.