Thursday, May 05, 2005

A Wang never looked so good

Never thought I'd look forward to the day our moderatley praised triple-A "prospect", Chien Bien Wang pitched in Tampa hoping to squeeze out a win against the worst franchise in baseball history (dramatic, I know). Since even the most devout Yankee fans have concluded that their team sucks, the question now turns to when they will (or have?) hit rock bottom. I see no evidence of a turn-a-round anytime soon, so if you're looking for optimism, don't look at me until June. This team blows and they know it. What angers me the most is that this monster homestand (if you can call it that, it's more of a conglomerate) never seems to end, with two paltry trips to Tampa to break it up. So now I'm going to be force fed more misery, as kids force feed themselves with cotton candy- slaves to sweet teeth. Little demonic knights of satan.

Wake me up in June, I'm going to central park to watch 40 year olds play co-ed softball.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005


Pardon gramatical mistakes and dodgy logic- I got hit in the head with a baseball at a little league game about 40 hours ago, and my inability to read/think/write correctly has led me to assume either a concussion or minor brain damage. More importantly than my current state of physical health, however, are the effects of the 6 runs Kevin Brown gave up in the first inning on my mental health. The shaking up of the Yankee offense is too much to comment on, you'd have to go to good, thorough people to find commentary on that. It sure does have everyone in Yankee land a tad bit more creative though. The guy from Baseball Toaster/Bronx Banter recomended Jeter to center. I think Torre is done. Even Sean is getting a bit hot under the collar. I hate to utter the following words but I've got nothing more to offer- Let's just wait and see.

Monday, May 02, 2005

ahhh, kids

"I want a cotton candy!!"
"No, but I want a blue one!!"
"No, a fresh blue one!"
Yesterday, my friends, was bat day, so to tell you the truth, I could care less about the baseball game taking place about 50 yards away from me. I didn't even know what was going on. I heard that godforsaken grandfather clock which meant they scored a couple of times, apparently not enough. My only insight from the game itself is that Jorge "I usually carry the team in April and May" Posada looks completley lost and the Yankees have the dubious distinction of having the worst player on their team not actually be a player at all- its their third base coach.
But the story from yesterday was not the Yankees bullpen, or Pavanos struggle, or the inability of the Yanks to get runs off some guy named Paul Walker late in the game. The story of the game were those god forsaken bats, and the little demonic orcs that they lured to the game. While the day started off great with a downpour, I assumed the Yankee deal with the devil that gives them fantastic weather for home games no matter what the forecast is would rear its head, and sure enough, the skies parted at around noon and all of the sudden it was a beautiful day for baseball with one of Jon Sterlings treeeemendous crowds. (Of course Jon failed to mention that the Yankees had moved bat day to early in the year so they wouldn't waste a sure fire sell out for August, when they would sell 55,000 advance tickets anyway)
One musn't have an advanced degree to assume that the abundance of children led to an increased supply in certain products within the stadium. And since only idiots like cotton candy, kids and women are generally our main clientele. The result: A hellacious, vicious perfect storm, where cotton candy is treated like sweet gold, and the people who make it are subject to a day of indentured servitude. By the time I had left we had made and fully sold 50 boards of cotton candy. That's 50 times 50, which makes for 2500 cotton candies sold BY THE SECOND INNING. About 10 more sold throughout the rest of the day, which brings the number to about 3,000. Since there are only two machines (Camden Yards has about ten) that means I made about 1,500 cotton candies yesterday, with my colleague and friend accounting for the others. If you exclude the bleachers, where we don't sell anyway, the stadium has a population of about 50,000. That means we sold a cotton candy to about 1 in every 16 people, and that my friends, ain't no fuckin joke. While Miller Lite and grade-x hot dogs are made with an abundance of time by factories miles away, cotton candy is spun by specialists the day of. Sabermathematics my ass, these are real baseball numbers.
-One has to get the feeling that the MLB people try to make it harder and harder on the Yankees every year. They had 6 games against the Orioles in April alone, when that team is usually flourishing. Consider 2003 when most of the second half of the season was spent playing the O's and Jays. The obscene amount of games in April and2 May will be paid for by long road trips through the hot summer months. Bud Selig has something up his sleeve.
-The Yankees suck.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Destination, go home

Now that the poor Yankee performance tonight relegates last nights emotional A-Rod coming out party to a mere after thought, I can't write at length about how great it was. Not that you would prefer that. Or that there even is a you. I mean, because I know for a fact there isn't.

But speaking of A-Rod's three homeruns, it was material even. A 3-2 pitch from Bartolo Colon with two outs and the bases loaded soars through the air, takes forever and a day to get there, then hits off the Budweiser sign? Too good. It's worth noting that the Yankee DJ actually did quite well by playing the song from the Natural while Alex was proudly running the bases. However, my credit to that loathsome asshole quickly morphed back into the usual hatred when he squandered the intense emotion in the stadium by playing the Vengaboys song that he usualy plays after a big hit. I hate to break it to you, you dumb club going guido, but that song is reserved for a 5th inning Posada 2 run double, not the most emotional moment of the year when the fans would like nothing better than to ask for a curtain call. A-Rod, realizing this, came out to salute the fans anyway, while the Vengabus kept coming from New York to San Francisco and right into our ears. How can one clap and scream when there is an awful base drum blaring through the speakers? Tactless swine, if I had a nickel for all the moments you've ruined at that stadium with your wedding party-like dj-ing...

-Someone please talk to Luis Soho.
-The Yankees did a marvelous job of getting the lead off runner on base tonight. But as I have mentioned before, this team seems hell bent on imitating the Mets, so from there followed the typical squandering of opportunity. One run off Washburn. Good job boys.
-The runs off of Colon came as particular suprise to me, seeing as he was 4 outs away from a no hitter at the stadium in September of 2000. It wasn't until with two outs in eighth that Louis Polona managed to romance a ball through the middle like an underaged girl that the Yankees saved some face in what is one of the best performances by a visiting pitcher that I have ever seen at the stadium. The Yankees also seem to be reluctant to hit off of overpriced fat right handers this year (See: Sidney Ponson)
-Over/under on how many witty variations on the name A-Rod the New York tabloids will come up with this year: Infinity.

Monday, April 25, 2005

What a great day at the ballpark!

Enter Andy Phillips

By now everyone has probably heard some lamenting Yankee fan talk about how great Andy Phillips is, and how he has heart, and how this is how those championship teams played. I'll spare you the sickening nostalgia for the days of Shane Spencer and Chad Curtis, but I will add that he has a beautiful swing, good plate presence, and could probably lose both of his arms in a car accident and still be better than the elderly junkies we have playing over there right now. No one seems to be mentioning that it is more likely a black family move to downtown Boston than the storied Yankees having a right handed first baseman. It's a left handed position, which is why I resisted my Sexson temptations over the winter (hey, what can I say, I have a thing for tall skinny athletes who appear useless) I also should mention that I called his homerun, which makes me 2 for 4 with called homeruns this year, which makes me a demi-god with spritual powers. Or Pete Baker.

Enter Randy Johnson

Most of you idiots don't know the true barometer of what makes a good pitcher. Actually, none of you idiots do, unless you happen to be an under-paid idiot who works at a baseball stadium (Me, Me!!!!) I am thoroughly unconcerned with the Units masterful performance yesterday. I do not care about the strikeouts, or the ERA. But here is one great stat: 91 pitches into the 8th inning. Here is another great stat: It was a day game. A true baseball player, or for that matter all employees having anything to do with baseball, know that day games are events purely made to make our once joyous lives a bit worse. Furthermore, a true Yankee fan knows they can't play during the day. Old teams never enjoy playing during the day, they don't like waking up, and having to do anything on any kind of schedule. That's why those weekend subway series charades have been so close, and its the primary reason the Cubs suck. Theres nothing more sickening than having some fan walk by our stand and talk about how the real American pastime is played during the day, without technology, and done with the crack of the bat under crystal blue American skies. I would love to force feed him some House-that-Ruth-Built year old hot dogs and watery beer just to shut him up. All of these AL bred guys can't pitch during the day for shit- Roger Clemens, Andy Pettite, and public enemy #1 Mike Mussina. They pussy foot around while Sheffield grows aggitated from the sweat pouring down his back. After a 15 minute half inning, Gary is so pissed he swings at three pitches just so he can go home to some AC. And the whole affair still manages to take 4 hours. Now these guys like Jon Lieber, Randy Johnson, and David Wells- they know the deal. "It was a strike? Ok, gimmie the ball. It was a homerun? Gimmie the ball. Lets get out of here, it's fucking Africa hot with this uniform on. And there are some guys making cotton candy in the main level who usually stop by the end of the 5th. And if I walk anyone else they're probably going to have a collective heart-attack." If I had my way, Jon Lieber would pitcher every day game for the rest of the year. Well, I should note I also would've signed Jon Lieber in the first place, and I wouldn't have opted for a 300 pound ex-Indian who has more shoulder surgeries than innings pitched. The guy throws strikes, and he gets me home earlier.

Bravo on yesterdays game, and let's invoke that all games end by 3pm.

-The Yankees will be swept by the California Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, California, of the United States of America this week. Get it, I'm making a joke on their long name! Ha!
-Andy Phillips curtain call. I'm surprised the crowd didn't instead opt to chant "Tino!"
-To the weathermen who predicted a sure-fire cancellation of Saturdays game due to torrential rain: Die.

Saturday, April 23, 2005


On Susan Waldman

Well, any Yankee fan who tried being gender sensitive before the beginning of the season is sure taking a beating right now. I deserve it the worst, seeing as my little experiment in mixing my radical feminist politics and baseball seems to be failing miserably. While I thought Susan Waldman was going to be an enthusiastic addition to what is beyond the shadow of a doubt the worst radio commentator crew in baseball, she seems to prefer giving ex-Yankee play-by-play man/Jon Sterling lover Charlie Steiner a run for his money. Quite frankly, she sucks. She sucks bad, and I hope this whole charade ends soon because I can't take her optimistic spins on Yankee failure anymore. As opposed to simply avoiding the truth, a la Sterling, she embraces and then exploits it. I thought she was going to be the one who calls it like it is without being over opinionated, like that slime bucket Kay. I thought she wasn't going to be a part of the Yankee propaganda network. I thought she wasn't going to comment on how 40,000 is a good number of fans for a rainy day in April. Instead I get all that, plus her psuedo-baseball intellectual bullshit on how Wright is making his pitches but just missing by a bit, and afterall, Browns start wasn't THAT bad. No, Susan, Wright is not off a little bit, he sucks. And no Susan, Browns start wasn't that bad, it was downright awful.

Ah, yes, you wish to know the reason for the intensity in my loathing. Well, as you know, my job forces me to sit behind a machine while she is spewing her verbal vomit. I have but no choice but to either share in her opinion, or deeply resent it, for simple resentment will do me nothing while I wrestle with the toils of processed sugar weaved into stringy sugar by modern technology. To top it off, the only thing that sucks more than her, after cotton candy, are the Yankees themselves. I wish them the best of luck in their 2005 rendition of the 2001-2004 New York Mets.

I've got to go to bed. I'm setting my alarm for 8 A.M. to set up for the stadium so you fools can watch the Yankees get swept by a team lead by David Delluci, a.k.a. Double-D.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Hurry up, it's 5 dollar night...

I really do not have many observations to make about the Yankees' slide, which scares me. A lot of commentators have said a few times that many teams go through 15 games streaks like this, including the Yankees. Hell, even the '98 Yankees started 5-4. But I ask you this: How many times have the Yankees had streaks like this when you get almost an RBI per game from your 3 and 4 hitters? How many times have the Yankees been 5-9 even through the hottest (temperature-wise) weeks of August with the Captain, the highest paid player, and two other players at the top of the order hitting above .300? Even the controversy-ridden Giambi has three homeruns. Watching last nights game, when Randy had his slider working, and they had momentum, and it was Devil-Dogs pitching, the only thought that came to mind was that bad teams tend to find a way to lose. Even when the bats are hot, and the pitchers are throwin, they find a way to lose. I am scared to death that this is a team that may be able to find a way to lose. A bad team.

Last years turn around didn't come until the West Coast teams came to town in late April/early May. I really don't know if we can wait that long.

Gunners news: 0-0 draw against Chelsea, all I can say is that I'm happy they didn't lose and let those nauseating sissies stuff it down their throats even more. Well, theres always next year.

-While I feel like the DJ at the stadium is lowering the volume a bit, I still find the experience of watching a game disturbingly annoying via the speakers.
-Last night was 5 dollar night, a night when the stadium fills up with so many cheap assholes like my brother that my boss feels compelled to emulate them. Bravo, fatman, keep lying.
-Chants of Tino do not seem to want to go away as he makes a daily plea for them to stop by sucking in virtually every at bat.